Stuck… again

Another post in a week…

I must have been really sad.

But, to be honest, I am. I am pretty lost right now.

If there’s one thing about me that is obvious, I am really bad at communication. And when I don’t feel well, I become even worse at it. So, the only way that I pour my feelings is through writing. Sometimes it’s the best poetry I have ever written, some other time it sucks. But my sadness pushes me to write. If I don’t write, I will probably turn crazy and hurt myself physically.

Therefore, I always write.

And it’s two entries in a week. Meaning, I am very unwell.

The truth is, I tried to cry about this. My feelings. But nothing came out. It’s been three weeks since I am in this trying-to-cry-it-out mode. If you’ve read my last post, you know how stable I had felt for months. In a bad way. I just finished my sixth semester, and I got a 2.8 GPA. And that’s only because one of my courses hasnt been graded yet, also because I havent turn in a practicum. I am waiting for it to turn into an E (in my uni, an E meant I have to retake the course next year). If that course has been grade, I will have a 2.3 out of 4 GPA.

And now, its 12:29 AM. I have three tasks for my internship, that is due tomorrow, that I have yet to do. I also have another big project that requires a technical skill I had yet to learn, also due in two days.

All of that, and yet, I have yet to move an inch to change. I am very stable. In a bad way.

I probably will not sleep at all today. Or maybe I will. Lately, nothing scares me anymore. I dont mind being seen like a weak person. Whenever my boss sneer at me because I am slow, it doesnt faze me at all.

Honestly, it’s really bad.

I dont feel like doing anything. At all. Zenzen shitakunai.

Every time I got handed a task, I always feel like I want to cry. I will mope and complain about it. Again, it’s really bad.

I am not being myself. And I dont know how to fix it.

I want to cry about it, but nothing comes out. I feel so numb and empty, and I dont know how to fill it in.

I am lost, and I should have prayed.

I should have prayed.

Maybe that’s the answer. Maybe I should start praying today.

Still, as I am writing this, I am trying my best to cry. But nothing came out. Just a pout. I bet I look very ugly.

Anyways, this is my hypothesis:

1. I have lost confidence in myself — something that is not new around here
2. I just dont feel passionate about what I do — if I do something else, I probably will have more sense of responsibility
3. I just need a beating or something, to knock my common sense

A mix of both, probably. But mostly the third option. I guess. I dont know.

I am hella confused right now, its making me fucking sick.

I hate myself.

I hate myself.

I hate myself.

I want to have a depressive episode and cry all about it, but I cant. I want to let it go and get my shit together, but I cant.

I cant turn this situation around.

I cant get that aftermath moment where determination seeps through my pores by the time my tears have dried.

I cant get it out of my system.

Feeling very shitty right now.